Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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