yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
