my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
