Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I could fuck to npr.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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