filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
