im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
