...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
it's like iHOP with fire
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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