Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize