last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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