I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
