I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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