Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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