Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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