i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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