Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
