She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
People in love make me want to vomit
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
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My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
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I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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