Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
