he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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