I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
