they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
