I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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