When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
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you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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