Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
