Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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