i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
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You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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