just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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