I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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