Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
