just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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