I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
