My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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