hotel room ftw
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.