He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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