Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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