Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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