i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
