I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
