I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
