Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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