I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
