Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
