I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
