So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
