saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
