he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
