I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
