Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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