I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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