I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
wow bdsm is so cute
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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