I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
