You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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