I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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