I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
