allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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