I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
