when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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