I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
